Healing from Hatred
25, Mentors: S.I. Hayakawa, Walterio Millar, Stephen R. Covey, Brian Tracy, Mary Jackson
“The world in crisis?”
In conversation we often lament the state of things as, “It’s never been this bad.” Conversations often revolve around what we perceive as what is wrong with the world and who is to blame. Following the usual pattern of an election cycle, hatred, distrust and misunderstanding, appear to be in high gear. Is it really worse than ever?
Or maybe we are talking over ourselves again and again to avoid the task of learning to understand. It’s popular to take sides and complain. There is a false sense of security in jumping on the proverbial ‘band wagon’.
In the 1998 movie Rush Hour, Carter (Chris Tucker) had the opportunity to meet his counterpart , Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan). He started talking, and continued to talk when Lee stepped off the plane. He wanted to get his message out without taking the time to understand. In frustration, he resorted to yelling to Inspector Lee, “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” The intentions of his character may have been good, but he was getting nowhere.
“Why do we hate each other?”
Protesters and counter-protesters, labels and chants. Stereotypes abound between any grouping of people that can be conceived. Prejudices and misunderstanding are handed down from generation to generation. There is a powerful temptation, to reinforce our own ego by attacking an enemy, then to seek ratification and validation within our chosen safe group.
I was in a project meeting with specialists from diverse areas: mechanics, engineers, IT specialists, executives. Sensing a culture of divisiveness, a wise IT engineer got everyone’s attention, “Before we can get to work, we need to ask this question, ‘Why do we all hate each other?’” He asked us to put distrust and differences on the table and seek to understand the concerns of all parties. He sincerely wanted to break the barriers down by gaining understanding. Amazingly, in a short but frank discussion, differences were aired and discussed. A number of preconceived notions were cleared up. With new understanding a spirit of trust began to form. The tension in the room lightened up and the team got to work, sharing ideas and resources for the end goal.
Alone in a foreign land
As far as I knew, I was the only English speaker in town, a great distance from any tourists. I was really proud because I had hit the books hard and thought I knew Spanish. I soon found that not only were my language skills lacking, but I was completely void of cultural understanding. I was excited to move beyond introducing myself and ordering food; I proudly inserted myself in my first real conversation. The responses to my participation in the conversation were a mixture of silence and muffled laughter. As I left the house with a friend. He couldn’t stop laughing! He carefully explained that nobody understood anything that I had said.
My confidence weakened. I was among people, yet rather alone. I wanted to stand out in the street and shout in English, “Does anybody understand me?” Like Detective Carter I wanted to be understood. As I pondered my situation, I remembered back to some principles taught by Dr. S.I. Hayakawa.
“Few people…have had much training in listening. The training of most over verbalized professional intellectuals is in the opposite direction. Living in a competitive culture, most of us are most of the time chiefly concerned with getting our own views across, and we tend to find other people’s speeches a tedious interruption of the flow of our own ideas.”
I lacked perspective. I knew practically nothing of their history and culture. I made my way into a bookstore. A kind and patient clerk guided me to a paperback book, Historia de Chile by Walterio Millar. For the equivalent of a couple of dollars, I made one of the greatest investments of my life. A little knowledge opened a new world to my eyes. I couldn’t get enough. This deep desire to know more motivated me to observe, analyze, and ask a lot of questions. I was no longer a hard-shelled arrogant gringo know-it-all. Being heard and understood was no longer a priority. I was too busy learning.
“First seek to understand, then to be understood.” -Stephen R. Covey, Habit 5
“If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely.” -Stephen R. Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
On the art of conversation, Brian Tracy said,
“Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive. They think that they must become better talkers.”
“Nothing could be further from the truth. As you’ve heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion. In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an excellent conversationalist.”
Learn to Understand
Do your homework. The potential to break down barriers starts by understanding your audience. In the 2017 movie Hidden Figures, African American, Mary Jackson (Janelle Monáe) gained court approval to take classes at an all white school. She was understood because she first understood the judge that she was addressing. She learned to relate to his history, his culture, and to him as a person. “Your honor, you of all people should understand the importance of being first.” She had his attention, then proceeded to list some of his life accomplishments. She explained her goals from his perspective. With her supporting him, he took the courage to grant her a variance so that she could fulfill her goals.
Observe
Watch for clues to where a person is coming from. Consider their history and background. Where were they raised? What kind of experiences have they had that could form their own views? How did they arrive at who they are today or what they believe? You may not agree with the person, but you can listen for the meaning beyond what they are saying.
Learn and heal
I can make deliberate efforts to understand how others came to their perception and thoughts, even if I don’t agree with or even fully understand their opinion or viewpoint. I can gain a greater understanding of who they are, and they’ll also understand me better. This is just the beginning.
Today a friend spoke of emotions of hurt and loneliness resulting from being socially marginalized. Suddenly a thought came into his mind, “Maybe I should stop the blame and start the balm.” That is, the balm of healing, or the balm of Gilead.
